Male Sexuality  and Expression in Marriage

February 12, 1992

     Q: What is the role of male sexuality within the context of a healthy spiritual marriage?

     It is a good question.  Male sexual expression differs from female in several important ways. First, for most men, sexual drive is very consuming, particularly in younger years. For a young man desiring spiritual ideation, sexual passion must be curbed. It is a very dominating force, so controlling it is important. Yet not all men are suited to be sanyasin or desire to be. For a young man entering marriage, sexual passion should be directed to wife. If the young man is a sadhaka, he must take ideation during sexual passion and dedicate all actions to the Supreme. Sexuality is not to be used to gain power over a woman, nor should it be used to control other passions. Sexuality for a man is an expression of his virility, his masculine power and prestige. It is his self-assertion.  This is natural to the male. But it must be properly directed, properly guided. He must coax his wife to surrender. This will enhance his feeling of virility. A man gaining the surrender of his wife will find he is both physically and mentally satisfied. For a young man, passion may run high. He may need to limit sexual expression. Too frequent of expression is depleting for the male, but for a married man, sexual expression is healthy. Only proper ideation must be maintained.'Oh Lord, you have come in the form of my wife to receive me. You are so kind.  Your love is infinite. Being so, you have expressed yourself before me.  Let me worship you with all my heart. Let me take you to me to unite with you my Lord.' In this way, see that you are touching the very Lord.  You are accepting Lord and giving offering to Lord in feminine aspect.

     Now there is a second difference of import. For most men, sexual expression depletes psychic resources. Over-indulgence creates mental lethargy. Mind becomes sluggish and animal tendencies are enhanced.  Subtle tendencies decline. Therefore, sexual orgasm must be limited for the production of lymph and pranic force. This is why sanyasin path is sought by many spiritually-inclined men. But sanyasin path need not be followed. A happy medium may be reached. Sexual expression done with proper ideation and limited loss of fluids may actually enhance sadhana.  There are techniques for this. They are known. For a sadhaka in marriage, such practices are appropriate. Self-control of orgasm is beneficial. Sexual pleasure may be had without depletion if this technique is used. So male must limit sexual release to maximum of four times monthly, but more frequent encounters may be had if proper control is maintained and pure ideation kept.

     But the question comes, why seek pleasure? Should a sadhaka not curb all desire, be it for food or pleasure of body or any other passion?  I say to repress desire never works. Sanyasin redirects through dedicated work and certain practices. Family man may express, but mind is properly directed.  When taking food, is it not the gift of Lord given to His child and again offered to Lord?  It must be the same with sexuality.  True detachment does not mean to be a dry and thankless soul.  It is to see the Supreme all around and form attachment to that Entity.  So sexuality is not evil. It is not the downfall of man. These notions come from men who feared their own drives. As I have said, in male, passion is strong. In reaction to this some men have suppressed this desire. This has led to hatred of women, cruelty to women and fear of women. A balanced man need experience none of this. Furthermore, balanced expression dissipates this suppressed reaction. This reaction is very harmful and has led to much suffering in human history. Crimes against women have resulted from this suppressed sexuality and resulting tensions.

     So proper expression with proper spiritual ideation and control will increase virility and decrease suppressed reaction. This is why for most men, even sadhakas, some sexual expression may be beneficial.

     How to achieve sexual and spiritual balance?

     "The technique to awaken mature sexual expression must be known.  If loving bond is there and high passion has been kindled, for a woman, surrender given with pure ideation will be very deep.  Feelings of surrender to Supreme will be strong, sense of union may come.  At the same time, husband must keep ideation firm, that sexual expression is service to the Supreme.  Sexual passion is kindled longing for Lord.  'Lord has come in feminine aspect to serve and receive.  I, in turn, give my all to Lord.'  Ideating like this, a deep concentration may form and united minds reach towards the sublime.  In this way, sexuality becomes spiritually imbued.

     "For balance, expression should be limited as earlier stated following known techniques.  For a male, marriage provides a medium for controlled sexual expression.  A sadhaka in marriage can develop spiritual ideation by seeing his wife as the female form of his Lord.  He may view her as goddess, as mother, as shakti.  Whatever his view, her divinity must be recognized.  Her surrender must be taken as a sacred trust and respected

(men2/12/92,p.3)

as such.  He must look to her all around welfare.  'Is she happy?  What would benefit her?'  He should see himself as her guardian or her protector.  It is his duty to look to her physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.  A woman enters marriage, if she is young, as a girl.  It is the service of husband which unlocks the woman and the nurturing maturity of the mother.  A thoughtful husband with considerate habits enhances this process.  In turn, his virility is also enhanced by the surrender of his wife and the sweet trust she gives him.  To develop habits which increase trust in a woman will aid the marriage as will proper sexual contact.

     "A man in marriage represents the masculine force.  His masculine strength provides emotional shelter for his wife if she can surrender her trust.  So most important is to be steadfast and thoughtful, taking the feelings and opinions of wife to heart before making decision.  If this is done, wife will trust husband's decision as looking to her welfare and may more easily surrender her all-around welfare to his hands.  This way he may aid her development.

     "One further point, physical violence must at all times be curbed in marriage.  It breaks trust and creates fear in a woman.  Once it occurs, the road to renewed trust is slow and arduous.  This trust is essential for her earnest surrender to the hands of husband.  She must know you are consistently looking to her welfare.  Then it will come.  If violence enters a marriage, spiritual harm can come to wife as it will constrict her heart and capacity for surrender.

     "The female quality must be carefully guarded and developed by husband.  Then spiritual development of wife will be enhanced and husband also will move towards greatness."